I'm a pansexual transguy trying to figure myself out. Expect a lot of information and pride going on. I am always happy to educate and learn.
In quite a bit of pain today….. I hate my ovaries/uterus combo, in addition to them being psychologically uncomfortable they are physically extremely painful due to polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I tend to explain it as my ovaries hate me as much as I hate them. I really just want to curl up and let myself go into a kitten/little state (it isn’t a defined persona just me mentally regressing a bit and acting a bit silly, a little bit like a kitten and a bit like a little kid so I tend to call it being little) I feel extremely vulnerable in this state and it is next to impossible to get anything done. With the dishes to do I will just feel guilty if I slip into that and then it won’t be the healing thing that I know it can be.
I also really want to curl up with Squish… who is at school. And possibly get smacked a bit to get some pain endorphins going (we got a new crop recently that I want to get to know better) and for that I also have to wait till Squish gets home since I am not allowed to inflict pain on myself due to a history of self harm and using the pain in negative ways.
Muh…… any pain relief suggestions?
Momo is being a hyper little bird today. I am excited that she will come with me on tuesday to my parents house since my grandfather is in town and he has a thing for birds…. Downside is that my grandfather is rather intimidating and uses names and pronouns for me that I am really uncomfortable with.
I know I need to do a post op update…. but I have a bad chest cold with lots of congestion and don’t have the energy…. So… muh. I have a flat chest, it is still healing, surgery was on the 2nd of August, i have had a couple issues with not moving too much and there is some separation along the lower left pec incision line. I have been living in pj pants and ace bandages. I am so very very happy to have surgery over and to have my chest lumps gone. But muh…. i need to go cough up some mucus now.
Grandparents are in town…. well, in the kitchen actually. And they have no idea I am a boy….. shit. Ok, I need to breathe.
Plan of attack:
Talk to Grandma first, she will at the very least be nice about it if she doesn’t approve. (Possibly start by mentioning name change?)
Let her mention it to Papa… hopefully
Offer them the binder of Trans* knowledge (That is now it’s official name)
If it goes horribly horribly badly, mum said she will kick them out.
If it goes kinda sorta bad or awkward, I can bus to Mimu’s any weekday afternoon and spend time with her and her lovely critters.
I can do this…… right?
I do feel a bit weird at this point because I functionally don’t have a name. Online I use Raven which has been a part of me for as long as I can remember and in real life I use the shortest most masculine version of my legal name for now… but nothing feels quite real.
I have been collecting male first names to eventually get people opinions on and pick from…. I currently have three… just three… I don’t want to talk about what they are yet because I am still in the collecting phase, when I am in the choosing phase I will list them all.
I am looking for fairly conventional names that are obviously male… shoot anything and everything my way… and if it has a meaning (culturally or just to you) I would love to know that too.
So, any ideas?
I was expecting one of thw worst parts of this weekend was for relative strangers to use my childhood girly name….
How do you explain to a well-meaning relative that the name he knows you by is one you are trying to avoid? He understands I don’t like the name, he just doesn’t understand why. I explained that the nickname I used now is less feminine and that I identify as male, but he doesn’t understand why using the feminine name is a big deal. I tried using “it doesn’t apply anymore/it isn’t accurate”. I think he doesn’t understand the gender implications of the name…. but I can’t think of an explanation that is simple enough, all of my explanations end up sounding like they are meant for psych majors.
How do you explain why it is important to be called a particular nickname and not a different one?
So…. i’m not doing so great today. There is nothing really in particular that i can point to, just a general yucky feeling. For me the general yucky feeling finds all kinds of interesting outlets to express itself in. Extra hatred and irritation at my chest; extra pain in my shoulder blades; extra feeling of hopelessness in a particular crush of mine; extra wanting snuggles and love when no one is around; extra not wanting to eat anything when my blood sugar is already low…. Just bleeerrrggghhh.
Though i guess it is a good thing that no one is around to screw up my pronoun and make me feel worse, being with my family would suck right now.
But anyway, on a happier note, a few days ago my mum actually acknowledged my packer in conversation, which is a big step towards her accepting it. And my sister was teasing me saying ‘mrs. the one who is paying for my treat’ (or something similar), i asked her to repeat what she said and right after the mrs she apologized and said she hadn’t thought about it…….. progress is good, progress is very good.
First of all, i would like to say that i love my Dad. i have always felt more connected to him than anyone else in my family, we seem to operate at the same energy level and it is nice to just have someone you live with that you click with. It is because of him that my ideal self is a quiet, intelligent, funny, and rather submissive man….. that and i have always been fascinated by how he types well over 100 words a minute, it is mind-boggling how fast he types…… but that is in no way the point of this post.
Last week my mum and my sister went out to a girl scout thing which means that Dad and i have to find dinner on our own…… which in turn means going out to Thai food. Towards the end of dinner i mentioned something about my chest being annoying and how i wish i could have surgery to make it flat. Since he seemed somewhat accepting of this i launched into a bit of explanation of how i don’t feel female and i really want to be a boy. He kept saying that what gender you are doesn’t really matter in the scheme of things and male and female only matter in regards to anatomy and how your body works (he was beating around the bush trying to say that it only matters when having sex). i kept trying to explain the social connotations of gender and he didn’t think that gender mattered in society.
i finally managed to get across a metaphor about fish. In this metaphor the two major gender categories are fresh water and salt water (for the purposes of this i chose not to confuse him with all the other genders which could be easily be chlorination and water temp). He is a fish in water that suits him so he doesn’t notice it and doesn’t think it matters he just knows that he can swim along and be fine. For me there is something wrong with my water, i may not be in the right lake and i am going to analyze the shit out the water i’m in until i figure out what is wrong with it.
At this point, I feel like a boy all the time
But only some of the time do I know I am a boy
I hope this makes sense to you
There are times,
When I see you across the hall
I feel like a boy
I know I am a boy
I feel confident enough
To take you by the shoulders
To kiss you
Then I catch my reflection
Or see my unflat chest
Or get ma’amed
And the knowing is gone
I question who I am
I question how you see me
I wonder if I am enough of a man for you
And I wonder if I am a man at all
All in all i am very confused as to what it means to be me. i know i am not who i was raised to be or who society expects me to be and yet to express anything else seems dangerous. i know that art is an important tool to me and at the very least i can explore through that lens, within the safety of my own language of metaphors and symbols.
i feel most comfortable sharing very little of my physical self since it feels in most part largely inaccurate and my psychological self is something i am still discovering for myself….. so maybe that is what this is, trying to discover a form of self.