I'm a pansexual transguy trying to figure myself out. Expect a lot of information and pride going on. I am always happy to educate and learn.
In quite a bit of pain today….. I hate my ovaries/uterus combo, in addition to them being psychologically uncomfortable they are physically extremely painful due to polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I tend to explain it as my ovaries hate me as much as I hate them. I really just want to curl up and let myself go into a kitten/little state (it isn’t a defined persona just me mentally regressing a bit and acting a bit silly, a little bit like a kitten and a bit like a little kid so I tend to call it being little) I feel extremely vulnerable in this state and it is next to impossible to get anything done. With the dishes to do I will just feel guilty if I slip into that and then it won’t be the healing thing that I know it can be.
I also really want to curl up with Squish… who is at school. And possibly get smacked a bit to get some pain endorphins going (we got a new crop recently that I want to get to know better) and for that I also have to wait till Squish gets home since I am not allowed to inflict pain on myself due to a history of self harm and using the pain in negative ways.
Muh…… any pain relief suggestions?
Momo is being a hyper little bird today. I am excited that she will come with me on tuesday to my parents house since my grandfather is in town and he has a thing for birds…. Downside is that my grandfather is rather intimidating and uses names and pronouns for me that I am really uncomfortable with.
I know I need to do a post op update…. but I have a bad chest cold with lots of congestion and don’t have the energy…. So… muh. I have a flat chest, it is still healing, surgery was on the 2nd of August, i have had a couple issues with not moving too much and there is some separation along the lower left pec incision line. I have been living in pj pants and ace bandages. I am so very very happy to have surgery over and to have my chest lumps gone. But muh…. i need to go cough up some mucus now.
Apparently it is quite hard to stay awake after major surgery…. In other words I have had chest surgery and I am really damn happy about it. Feel free to ask me questions about it but know that I may not answer right away due to frustrating levels of grogginess and not being able to see my screen clearly because it is hard to focus my eyes.
Grandparents are in town…. well, in the kitchen actually. And they have no idea I am a boy….. shit. Ok, I need to breathe.
Plan of attack:
Talk to Grandma first, she will at the very least be nice about it if she doesn’t approve. (Possibly start by mentioning name change?)
Let her mention it to Papa… hopefully
Offer them the binder of Trans* knowledge (That is now it’s official name)
If it goes horribly horribly badly, mum said she will kick them out.
If it goes kinda sorta bad or awkward, I can bus to Mimu’s any weekday afternoon and spend time with her and her lovely critters.
I can do this…… right?
- Don’t tone police. It is NOT your right to dictate how someone should react to their oppression.
- Don’t demand a detailed explanation.* You’re basically asking the person to justify their call out. It’s exhausting, many resources are available, and often this is just a way to try and derail, start an argument, or discredit the other person.
- Don’t get defensive. A call out is not all about you as a person.
- Don’t take it personally. Calling out is not a personal attack. If someone calls you out, they’re trying to teach you something. Calling out is a way for people to educate others on how systems of oppression operate on a day to day, individual level.
- Don’t attack the person who’s calling you out. That’s just fucked up.
- Don’t assume the person calling you out is just “looking to get offended”. Nobody enjoys calling other people out. To call someone out, people often have to mentally prepare for serious repercussions. Calling someone out might mean starting an argument, during which many people will side with the oppressor by default (especially if you’re privileged over the person calling you out).
- Understand that being oppressive is not the same as being offensive or hurting feelings. The damage you’re perpetuating is part of a larger system of oppression.
- Realize that your intent is irrelevant when it comes to whether you were oppressive or not.
- Recognize the power dynamics that are in place between you and the person calling you out.
- Understand intersectionality. IE: Just because you are oppressed by classism, doesn’t mean you lack male privilege.
- Know that being privileged means being oppressive, but you can work to reduce the ways that you are oppressive.
- Genuinely apologize.
- Work on oppression reduction and being the best ally you can be. The point of calling you out is to draw your attention to how you’re being oppressive, so that you can work to change it. If you made an oppressive joke, there’s probably oppressive thoughts in place (conscious or not) that led you to think the joke was appropriate. Everyone has to unlearn the oppressive things they’ve absorbed from an oppressive society. We are all taught ways to keep marginalized people in their place, but the good thing is that we can identify these things in ourselves and change. And then we can start working on dismantling the kyriarchy, yeah!
Feel free to add to this or change as necessary.
Fuck the people who tell you you have to be a man or a woman.
Fuck the people who ask, “Have you had the operation?”
Fuck the people who refer to you as an “it”.
Fuck the people who continue to call you by your birth name.
Fuck the people who tell you “it’s just a phase”.
Fuck the people who say, “You’re just gay.”
Fuck the people who say, “You’re just a lesbian.”
Fuck the people who say, “You can’t be trans*, you’re too masculine/feminine!”
Fuck anyone who tells you you aren’t who you say you are.
Gender is not up to anyone but yourself. Nobody has the right to decide your gender identity and expression for you.
The most feminine “woman” can identify as male. The most masculine “man” can identify as female. Gender is not determined by either your birth sex or your behavior.
So call me a sissy, a pansy. Tell me I can’t be male because I like to sew and I’m not particularly athletic. Tell me I can’t be male because some mistake gave me an X chromosome where there should have been a Y. You will never change the fact that I am a man.
I am a bit confused abou how I feel right now. I jus watched 8 which is amazing and important, yet I feel sad and hurt and erased. I am trans* and I am queer. They said something about how this was the last battle of civil rights. And I sat there thinking what about me. Will there ever be a time I can be visibly trans* and have my identity respected? I just…. ugh. It was a beautiful thing to watch but the erasure of trans* and intersex people hit me like a steamroller. It may just be me but I want to have something like that about trans* people. Even if it is a fantasy world where the government doesn’t care about what is in your pants. Does anyone have anything that I can watch with positive trans* portrayals that can give me the jolt of pride I seem to be searching for?
can we please not tell cisfolk that they’re not allowed to participate in conversations about trans* issues
why would you bother fighting for equality if you’re just going to slam the door on the majority and create a hostile environment for them anyway, how is that going to help anyone
I think this could be a good idea in general but there does need to be trans* only spaces where we can feel safe. In my opinion we should be able to have places and conversations just for us, not all of the spaces should be exclusive, but a portion of them. I see two reasons for this.
The first is that there are people who want and need to vent among people who have been through something similar. There is less pressure to be pleasant towards the majority in a space where the majority is excluded. Trans* people have the right to be angry with Cis people in general, there is a lot of misunderstanding and pain going around and people need to talk and vent. There are also times where I personally want to be in a Trans* only space because I want to be able to relax, I don’t want to have to explain myself or teach what it means to be Trans*, I just want to be. I think it would be counterproductive to exclude Cis people from all conversations because being a part of a conversation is a great way to learn, show support, and be involved.
The second reason is a little more basic and sort of the kindergarten fairness and balance. There are places where Trans* people are not safe and not welcome so it seems fair for there to be places where Cis people are not welcome. I don’t think every Trans* person thinks that Trans* only places are necessary the same way not every Cis person thinks Cis only places are necessary. But I know that I personally like having Trans* only forums, conversations or meetings because it is a place I feel safe and I feel like they are beneficial for my own mental health.
I have been chewing on this idea for a few weeks now and it seems no matter what phrasing I come up with it won’t work.
My mum has been very supportive of me doing what I need to to be myself and transition to male and every once in a while she uses male pronouns, though it is always as an afterthought or as part of teasing me about something else (usually my predictable attraction to pretty males). Though whenever she corrects herself she says ‘female version…. male version.. gender-neutral version’. Now i will take the gender-neutral over female language any day but to hear her correct the male language makes me cringe and question myself and what she is thinking.
I guess it boils down to, Does anyone have phrases, conversations starters, links, ideas, or anything that can help me explain to her how important it is to me to be called he, son, brother, etc?
In addition to actually going outside two days in a row (monday was craft store shopping with Mum, tuesday was doctor’s visit by myself on the bus) I now have an appointment with a surgeon next tuesday…….
I have an appointment with a surgeon….. holy crap! I may be getting much of my chest removed in the foreseeable future. I won’t know how much until after I talk to her on tuesday, she may be able to do a full reconstruction depending on my insurance and what they cover and whether she can code a reconstruction as a reduction….. but still holy crap.
Next problem would be that I am hopelessly broke…. I have a bunch of crafts I would like to sell. I think shipping gifts to my friends might be a good stepping stone to be able to conquer some of my fears involved with that……
Ship things to friends…. this is apparently my goal now. I apologize for the lack of coherence, I am excited and nervous as hell.