So…. i’m not doing so great today.  There is nothing really in particular that i can point to, just a general yucky feeling.  For me the general yucky feeling finds all kinds of interesting outlets to express itself in.  Extra hatred and irritation at my chest; extra pain in my shoulder blades; extra feeling of hopelessness in a particular crush of mine; extra wanting snuggles and love when no one is around; extra not wanting to eat anything when my blood sugar is already low…. Just bleeerrrggghhh.

Though i guess it is a good thing that no one is around to screw up my pronoun and make me feel worse, being with my family would suck right now.

But anyway, on a happier note, a few days ago my mum actually acknowledged my packer in conversation, which is a big step towards her accepting it.  And my sister was teasing me saying ‘mrs. the one who is paying for my treat’ (or something similar), i asked her to repeat what she said and right after the mrs she apologized and said she hadn’t thought about it…….. progress is good, progress is very good.

4:10 pm • 2 notes • #transgender #depression #transboy #ftm #transguy #transman #acceptance

Currently Speaking

At this point, I feel like a boy all the time

But only some of the time do I know I am a boy

I hope this makes sense to you

There are times,

When I see you across the hall

I feel like a boy

I know I am a boy

I feel confident enough

To take you by the shoulders

To kiss you

Then I catch my reflection

Or see my unflat chest

Or get ma’amed

And the knowing is gone

I question who I am

I question how you see me

I wonder if I am enough of a man for you

And I wonder if I am a man at all

7:07 pm • 12 notes • #transgender #trans #ftm #female to male #transboy #transman #transmen #poem #poetry

confusion

All in all i am very confused as to what it means to be me.  i know i am not who i was raised to be or who society expects me to be and yet to express anything else seems dangerous.  i know that art is an important tool to me and at the very least i can explore through that lens, within the safety of my own language of metaphors and symbols.

i feel most comfortable sharing very little of my physical self since it feels in most part largely inaccurate and my psychological self is something i am still discovering for myself….. so maybe that is what this is, trying to discover a form of self.

11:11 pm • #exploration #gender #life #self #transgender #transman #ftm #transboy