I'm a pansexual transguy trying to figure myself out. Expect a lot of information and pride going on. I am always happy to educate and learn.
So…. i’m not doing so great today. There is nothing really in particular that i can point to, just a general yucky feeling. For me the general yucky feeling finds all kinds of interesting outlets to express itself in. Extra hatred and irritation at my chest; extra pain in my shoulder blades; extra feeling of hopelessness in a particular crush of mine; extra wanting snuggles and love when no one is around; extra not wanting to eat anything when my blood sugar is already low…. Just bleeerrrggghhh.
Though i guess it is a good thing that no one is around to screw up my pronoun and make me feel worse, being with my family would suck right now.
But anyway, on a happier note, a few days ago my mum actually acknowledged my packer in conversation, which is a big step towards her accepting it. And my sister was teasing me saying ‘mrs. the one who is paying for my treat’ (or something similar), i asked her to repeat what she said and right after the mrs she apologized and said she hadn’t thought about it…….. progress is good, progress is very good.
At this point, I feel like a boy all the time
But only some of the time do I know I am a boy
I hope this makes sense to you
There are times,
When I see you across the hall
I feel like a boy
I know I am a boy
I feel confident enough
To take you by the shoulders
To kiss you
Then I catch my reflection
Or see my unflat chest
Or get ma’amed
And the knowing is gone
I question who I am
I question how you see me
I wonder if I am enough of a man for you
And I wonder if I am a man at all
All in all i am very confused as to what it means to be me. i know i am not who i was raised to be or who society expects me to be and yet to express anything else seems dangerous. i know that art is an important tool to me and at the very least i can explore through that lens, within the safety of my own language of metaphors and symbols.
i feel most comfortable sharing very little of my physical self since it feels in most part largely inaccurate and my psychological self is something i am still discovering for myself….. so maybe that is what this is, trying to discover a form of self.